Perhaps once every thousand years, a talent emerges that completely changes the way movies are made, orphans are orphaned, and heartthrobs throb. Often this talent has only one eyebrow, as is the case with one of the most cherished and admired actors scheming today. Surely you can you guess of whom I think.

No, you fool! I am referring to the One...the Only...the Unbelievably Handsome Count Olaf!

Or, as I like to call him, Me.

If you've already seen my performance in Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events, you must still be speechless. But if you haven't, you are in serious danger. Just teasing. But you could be after I send one of my gifted henchpersons to your home!

So why not get my movie on DVD? This major motion spectacle has everything. Me, acting! Leeches, attacking! Orphans, almost falling off a cliff! Of course, if you are familiar with books by Lemony Snicket, you know that they include all of these things too, but most of what he says is lies, and the rest is completely boring.

There's never been a film that demands repeated viewing in quite the same way, with a diabolical genius writing you a letter that says, "I DEMAND REPEATED VIEWING!!!" Plus with DVD extras, you'll get at least 20% more Olaf for your money. And... just for you, for an unlimited time only, I'll throw in Aunt Josephine free with purchase.*

So, noble Amazonians, put down your hunting spears and exotic headdresses, and prepare to bask in True Greatness. Or, as I like to call it, Me.

Of course you may have my autograph!